Scorching, burning, branding and cauterizing- Oh my!

Update from my blog titled, “Almost Punk’d”.

Scorching, burning, branding and cauterizing – those are the words that describe the treatments that we (myself and BFF) chose to do on ourselves in order to gain our youth back and preserve our beauty. Sounds enticing right?!

Unless you are that cheerleader who can’t die or feel pain, a superhero with rapid healing power, or the run of the mill freak show that has a glutton for pain and punishment – this is not a casual walk in the park. Not saying we can’t handle pain, but dayummmmm GINA! A thorough heads up would have been nice, or even a sampling of the torture would have given us greater insight on the level of agony we’d be experiencing with said services.

Personally, I probably wouldn’t have gone through with purchasing all the treatments had I was able to “test” the pain associated with each service. Too  late now, contracts are signed, and now the saying of, “No pain…no gain” STRUGGLE IS REAL and has a totally different meaning now.

The painful services include:

  • Scorching – removing unwanted hair (vagina lazer & armpits)
  • Burning  – reversing skin damage/aging (broad band light or BBL)
  • Branding – slimming and smoothing skin surface (skin tightening)
  • Cauterizing – eliminating veins (vein lazer)

Scorching

As you read in my previous blog, the vag lazer is the standard suction and pinching sensations in which one device is set to scorching temps for the arm pits, while the other “chilled” device is used strictly for the vag area. The cooled lazer only slightly helps the ultra-sensitive area, but don’t get it twisted – it ALLLLLLLLL burns like a mother fucker!!! Not to mention the smell of burnt hair permeating throughout the room – forcefully hot boxing the stench into your nostrils for about 20 minutes! Ugh, I can still smell it as I type!

Burning

The BBL treatment uses a heated (burning), pulsed light that stimulates the targeted skin cells to generate new collagen. We call this face-zapping. Extremely thick gel (which I found out was ultra-sound gel) acts like a conductor and is applied to your face prior to the pulsed light treatment. Face-zapping takes about 20 minutes total.

A series of treatments are supposed to remove redness, skin damage and leave your skin looking 10 years younger! For serious. It’s ALSO supposed to be gentle, and non-invasive with minimal pain. Hmmm weird…SURPRISE this also boo-urns like a mother fucker and leaves my face and cheeks chipmunk swollen! My skin tends to stay red for the next few hours while my face feels like a thousand sunburns – ON FIRE! Super attractive. Not to mention, the stink of burnt popcorn fills the room like a cloud of smoke which envelopes and traps you until you are able to bolt once your face is done being zapped. Lucky for me, I only have a few more treatments left. Kill me now!

More burning/branding

Now I have not had the privilege to experience the “branding” treatment, but it was carefully explained to me as something similar to being prodded with a hot poker, like cattle. The same thick gel used above in the BBL treatment is also applied to all body parts that you wish to slim and smooth the surface on and then the “branding” tool is ironed over the area veerrrrrrrrrryyyyyy sloooooowly. Depending on the size of area you choose (example quads and hamstrings), this entire slow-branding process takes about an hour. For most people, this treatment is also non-invasive and relatively painless, but for the tiny percent with ultra-sensitive skin, well…that’s where the branding sensation comes in! Whoa!

Cauterizing

Not sure why clinics don’t disclose this within their sales tactics, but apparently when you receive treatment that minimizes protruding or spider veins on your body, you are really cauterizing (killing) them. O_O  EEEEEEK! This in turn eliminates the discoloration all together with an end result of a vein-less area.

As explained to me, vein treatments are also prepped with ultrasound gel and require a tool similar to my BBL laser which sends out a pulsed light that permanently zaps the veins away! Voila! OH no, no, no! Not off THAT easy. This lazer is also burning hot and the after affects can leave you with major bruising and swelling. So basically you are on bed-rest after receiving these treatments.

Lessons:

  • Set a budget and stick with it!
  • Ask sales person about honest pain level.
  • Test pain prior to procedures (if possible).
  • Remember you are beautiful and don’t need any procedures and get the hell outta there!
  • Think about it overnight.
  • Never go back.

Final thought for the day…”SHIT, beauty hurts, don’t do it!”

 

 

No Happy Endings, Please.

Apologies in advance, but this blog is a bit long. Make sure you carve out a few minutes to sit down to enjoy it all as it reads like a short story. I couldn’t help but share all of the juicy details that made for this unique experience. You’ll see!

Sooooooo, I’ve been eyeing this online deal for about two weeks and I finally gave in and purchased the “47% off discount coupon” for a full-body massage with foot reflexology. Let’s be honest, I was more curious about the foot reflexology portion of the deal than the massage itself, but was extremely happy to see a deal for both! #suckerfordeals

So far, so good – right? Sound innocent and normal enough? Of course! Why wouldn’t it be?!

I immediately called the spa to inquire about the services (specifically regarding foot reflexology) and check on appointment availability.

Spa: Ha-low, <insert business name> & spa.

Me: Hi, I am calling to see what openings you have with Amy for this Saturday or Sunday?

Spa: Ahh, yes. We hab nun for Saturday, and 7pm on Sunday.

Me: Ok! Can you explain the current “coupon” for the massage and foot reflexology and if they are done in tandem according to the website?

Spa: <extremely long pause> OK. Thank you! Click.

Red Flag #1

Ok. Well, there was obviously a language barrier, but I am not one to give up – especially since I got a great deal! Determined, I call back again about 30 minutes later to see if I can get in that very night (Friday) so I could start my weekend off right!

This time, the phone went to voicemail where I proceeded to leave a message with my questions and contact information. My instant thought was, “Ok. So…is this a one person shop? Do I need to call on the hour (every hour) in order to catch a “live” person? Answer my fucking questions!” UGH! I guess I in need of this massage to now calm my inner hulk. Mayhaps I was just anxious to get in, or I was impatient to have my questions answered thoroughly as I just dropped damn near $75 bucks to not know shit!

I call back again… 2 hours later.

Spa: Spa: Ha-low, <insert business name> & spa.

Me: Hi, it’s me again! I wanted to see if you had any openings with Amy for tonight? I left a voicemail a few hours ago.

Spa: Yes. Amy is open at 8pm tonight.

Me: GREAT! Let’s go ahead and book her! <I give her my name>. Is there anything I should anticipate or know ahead of time?

Spa: <another long pause> See you lay-tah at 8pm.

Did I really just get shut down for the second time?! FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! At this point, I am in such a good mood because I was able to squeeze in a Friday same-day massage that I wasn’t going to let that bitch ruin my vibe!

Red Flag #2

Luckily the place wasn’t far from my home – about a 10 minute drive (which by the way was situated between a Tex-Mex restaurant and a coffee and card gaming shop). I entered the spa and was met with an older woman standing behind a tiny desk and to my right was middle-aged gentleman seated in the dimly lit waiting area. They looked to be of Asian descent, but I wasn’t sure of the exact region. This would definitely explain the accent on the multiple phone calls earlier as well as the possible language barrier. I could hear flute music faintly playing in the background along with what sounded like a dryer going.

The woman greeted me with raised eyebrows and questioning eyes, so I blurted out, “Hi. I’m here for my 8pm appointment with Amy, and I am about 20 minutes early.” I turned to take a seat and the woman snaps at me, “Can I hab your coupon numbah?” I quickly turn around, “Sure!” I proceeded to pull up the coupon on my phone app and I showed her my phone screen for easy scan, and state, “Here it is if you want to scan it.” As most places will do that – scan the QRC code = paid in their computer system. #normal

This action was also met with silence. Ok, now I am irritated as fuck while I continued to hold my phone to her face for what felt like 2 minutes as she slowly took down the coupon numbers, so then I state, “Or you can just type it in instead of scanning it.” <continued silence> Then it hit me, this must be the SAME BITCH who fielded my prior phone calls! Don’t know what the fuck I did to receive yet another shitty customer service experience, but for fuck’s sake she needed a throat punch! #instantrage #cashmeoussidebitch! <—intentionally spelled wrong.

I felt my resting bitch face coming on, so I calmly turned away to take a seat, all while the silent waiting room creep avoided eye contact. All of a sudden, the woman barks out orders in an aggressive tone at someone behind the curtained doorway and out appears Amy. She looked to be less than 5’tall and weighed about 95 lbs soaking wet! She was tiny! Her huge smile on her face almost made up for the shitty experience earlier…almost.

Red Flag #3

We parted through the curtained doorway down a “hall”, which was really the center walkway flanked with about 5 “rooms” separated by black, sheer-ish curtains. Nope! Not sheet-rocked, walled, private space, but sectioned, curtained-off spaces that were semi-transparent complete with over sized safety pins for closure. That’s not weird or anything right? Luckily, I was the only client in the spa at the time.

We proceeded to walk about halfway down the hall and she turns to our right and shows me to the “room” where she wanted me to lie down on the low, half-bed with my feet dangling off the edge and my head on a very flat pillow covered with a towel. This request was explained via hand gestures as Amy’s English was very limited. I was instructed to only take off my boots and my hat – which made sense as she didn’t close the sheer-ish curtains at all. Amy left our area and returned with a bucket of hot water and placed my feet in it – which felt like heaven! She then sat on a stool near my head, placed a cloth over my eyes and started to massage my scalp, forehead, temples, neck, arms and hands with a slightly unfamiliar massage using trigger points. Now this is more like it! Relaxation <pause> or so I thought…

It was at this exact moment that the silent waiting room creep decided to suddenly become obnoxiously annoying and loud with what I would guess were his closing tasks. I peeked through my cloth and saw him pace back and forth in the hallway a few times and then could hear him start a new batch of laundry somewhere in the back! The unmistaken sound of the start of running a washing machine was apparent.

Pacer creep then came back down the hall and entered MY non-private space to either drop of something or remove something located near my purse on the stand which heightened my spidey senses and put me a fight or flight mode with a tinge of paranoia. What the fuck is he doing in our space? Is he trying to loot my purse and jack my credit cards and money? Out of the entire, empty spa – he just had to finish his tasks in MY area? What other possible reason could he have to be over here? GTFO! Thank god I left my engagement ring on. FUCK! This was NOT relaxing!

This went on for about 15-20 minutes and then Amy finally got up and removed my feet from the bucket of water and dried them off accordingly. Next up – 30 minute Foot Reflexology! I was looking forward to this part of the service! Since I was still in fight/flight mode, I was not able to fully relax. I adjusted the cloth over my eyes to be slightly askew so I could keep an eye on pacer creep in case he came back again. Seriously, WTFuck!

The foot reflexology massage when on without a hitch, the only odd moment was towards the end where she softly karate chopped the top of my knee, shins, and feet. After that, she performed light slaps to the same areas. I just rolled with it. She then asked me to move to the space across the hall…barefoot. No idea what else has been on that floor, but whatever, I followed. She helped me relocate all my belongings and provided me with a white, very sheer sheet to cover up with upon undressing.

OK! Well, this is happening – with all the sheer! The black sheer-ish curtains, the white very sheer sheet, the pacer creep! FML!!!!!!!

Red Flag #4

I got undressed and hopped onto the narrow table with a small facey-hole built into the table itself. The cloth surrounding the hole was suffocating me so it took a second to find the perfect adjustment of cloth to breathing ratio. Next up was making sure the sheer sheet was covering my body. Once I did that, my facey-hole system was fucked up again. I then repeated my cloth to breathing ratio efforts. Jeezus! I can’t catch a break.

Amy finally returned and she starts to massage my scalp, forehead, temples, neck, and shoulders. So far so good…no hint of the pacer creep and I am starting to relax. She does this odd rolling pin move on my back, which was fine, but then she hopped onto my table with one knee resting on the edge to really dig in with her forearm and elbow! OMFG! Fight or flight mode AGAIN! I had one elbow ready for an Elbow Strike move should something start to get kinky, but luckily it didn’t. She repeated this move on the other side of my body along with her knee resting on the edge of my table. Seriously. The Elbow Strike was in position at all times for the next 30 minutes.

Amy then hopped off of the table to work on the bottom half of my body and adjusted the white, sheer sheet less than 3” from my crotch. Yikes, that was close!!! Like I said, Elbow Strike prepped and ready. She gave my quads a nice rub down – which was a little too close to my vag for my comfort. She was literally one finger slip away from a broken face! UGH!

I was not out of the woods yet, the pacer creep decided to have convo with Amy during my massage. I give up! I can’t even right now. By this time, I am sure I am tense as fuck and my temperature is rising. I am on edge, not relaxed and in a constant fight/flight mode and ready to strike with one inappropriate finger slip. FML! When is this massage over? And then just like that, it was.

I got dressed as fast as I could and started to head out the door. I was quickly intercepted by Amy where she stopped me in my tracks to hug me and handed me her card with a soft “thank you”.  I tipped her and got the hell outta there!

Good thing the spa was near a bar! I needed a shot to calm my nerves!

Lessons learned:

  • Read ALL reviews online before buying coupons. All.of.them.
  • If staff is unfriendly, fuck them and fuck that place
  • Receive all massages in a sheet-rocked, walled room for 100% uninterrupted services
  • If masseuse gets up on the table with you – run like hell!

No happy endings, please.

 

Almost, Punk’d

Preface I

I presume most of you have seen the reality comedy show where a certain celebrity plays tricks, or pulls pranks, on other celebrities while covertly filming the scene unbeknownst to the target. If not, you are surely missing out on some of the best stealthily created schemes that almost always results in the target becoming infuriated to the point where we see them lose their shit! The entire concept is quite hilarious and very entertaining, as long as you’re not the one being punk’d!

Preface 2

Now imagine being talked into attending a Bridal Fair (which was an experience in itself), where you and your BFF both enter and “win” a drawing for $500 towards services from a skin clinic to fix problematic areas on your body that you’ve been either self-conscious or insecure about. Keep in mind that on the drawing slip there were multiple boxes to check mark areas of concern – in which my BFF decided to check mark ALL THE BOXES for me and even included smiley faces for good measure! HA! The real story here is that yes, we each received a phone call that we BOTH won…fishy, right? I thought so, too.

Scene I – Operation Get Your Shit Together

If you’ve been following my blogs, you’d notice that life likes to throw me curve balls and things never come easy – not even winning a GD contest! FML! So, another adventure begins!

Since it’s safer in numbers, the BFF and I conveniently planned our skin clinic consultations to occur at the same time and upon our Saturday arrival, of course the doors were locked.  After giving each other the annoyed side-eye glance we then peered through the first set of glass double doors and could see that the clinic shared a space with a bank. We panned our eyes towards the second set of double doors, and saw the receptionist’s head bobbing up and down while chatting with a casually dressed man.

After frantically waiving our arms like those fucking wacky waving inflatable flailing tube guys you see at auto dealerships, we were still unable to grab their attention. We gave up and then turned to the intercom and pressed the “call” button a thousand times while simultaneously checking the receptionist’s reaction – none. Much bullshit, it didn’t even work! WTF!

Beyond irritated, we focused our attention on the casually dressed man hogging the receptionist’s attention and noticed that he was wearing a brown, retro track jacket that looked like something out of a 1970’s porn. His thin, creepy mustache combined with his tousled, greasy hair was enough to make me feel like I needed to take another shower. <Instant shudder>

We both gave each other the look of, “Seriously, who’s running this shitshow? Should we be worried?” After about ten more minutes of exasperated wacky wavy flailing arm attempts to snag their attention, the porn star finally sees us and hurries over to open the locked doors. He apologizes as he walks us towards their office which was full of disarray and chaos; he states that the company is in mid-move to their new location in which should be completed by Monday. GREEEAAAAATTTTTT! So why the fuck are you open at a time like this with locked doors, intercom buttons broken, porn star outfits with fucking creepy staches? UGH!

Anyway, the head bobbing receptionist also apologized for the mess and proceeded to lead us back into the maze of boxes and movers towards the back stairs to head to the second level. At the end of the deserted hall we spot a second receptionist that looked hung-over as fuck and bored out of her mind.  We continued to take in the scenery of the makeshift, barren office with a printer on the floor, papers astray, missing lobby chairs and zero furniture, we weren’t offered a seat or water – as they had neither. However, we WERE offered a clipboard to fill out while standing up, cuz you know, zero furniture and all.

A sunny sales person finally emerged from behind a closed office door and warmly welcomed us to the messy clinic. We finished completing our paperwork and handed her our clipboards. She then guided us to an office that actually DID have chairs and a table to sit down at.

At this point we were both so taken back with the fucking hotmess, janky atmosphere, unprofessional  and unmotivated staff that we were convinced that we were now being punk’d and that someone was suddenly going to burst through the doors and say, ”HA! This isn’t a skin clinic; you’re on a reality show!” But of course that didn’t happen.

Scene II – Buying All the Things

The next 1.5 hours were filled with well-placed sales pitches addressing our problem areas that we had check marked on our drawing slip. How convenient and cruel at the same time! Needless to say, after reviewing all of our service options, seeing countless before and after photos on many different procedures, and number crunching costs like maniacs – we each walked away with a few services under our belt and a lot poorer. I could literally feel my credit score plummeting and my blood pressure rising! <Insert face palm>

Instant buyer’s remorse was almost immediate for me and had me sick to my stomach due to the anxiety of coming clean to my SO with my newly signed contract itemizing my procedures that totaled more than my first car. FUCK! Thankfully he understood, or at least he says so. -_-

Scene III – Procedure Experience

Since our consult was done together, we decided to continue our BFF bond and schedule our appointments for the same date/time as well! Makes sense, right?!  We arrived at the new location/building and of course their business wasn’t noted on the building’s directory. Here we go again! Maybe this was the day we actually get punk’d; 5 days after we signed our life away on all the paperwork committing to all the services and all the procedures.

Turns out that they were a legit business and we walked into a beautiful lobby area with not one 1 but 2 receptionists who lacked the personable greeting skills that one would expect from company that has a customer service based model of operation. Business 101, your customers are your bread and butter, greet and treat every one of them walking through the door as if they were your number one client.  Where the fuck is my red carpet? Where’s my glass of Dom – let’s pop champagne here people!

We were then escorted down the hall to a second waiting room with dimmed lights – we assumed that this was necessary to ease anxiety before getting your body parts Lazered (<– this spelling is fun!). What do ya know, its clipboard time again! We felt so spoiled with brand new chairs to sit down in, cold flowing water or coffee, and most of our answers were ‘NA’. Done and done!

After a few minutes our nurses retrieved us and took us to our separate rooms where we each were given instructions and information. Come to find out, we each received different instructions – or lack thereof. I ended up with a very soothing nurse that gave me clear instructions on what we were doing as well as answered all of my questions and made my experience very comforting. Let me rephrase that, as comforting as one could be with having a heated instrument attach to your armpit with a suction/pinching feeling and then repeated pain about 8 times per armpit. Also, never mind the burning hair smell and discomfort that literally made me sweat to the point where my goggles fogged up. HA! My eyeballs were evening burning! Fuck! Just kidding, not really but the fogging needed explanation.

Next up on deck to Lazer were my southern regions. Yes, your assumption was correct. My vagina was also definitely getting the hairless cure. No more razors, razor burn, shaving, itchy crotch or waxing for me! Ever! This time the heat was turned waaaaaaaaay down on the instrument. Thank god! The suction/pinching feeling was more intense but closely followed with a cool down which didn’t make it any better than the armpits. Little did I know that I was very ticklish in the groin region and in turn I had to fully concentrate on not snapping the nurse’s neck with my Venus thigh traps! She could have died!

I was slightly embarrassed for nervously sweating and my nurse assured me with, “Oh honey, I am all about the sweat and the vaginas in this business as I’ve seen it all!” HA!! Apparently she also performs a sweat removal procedure. Well, tickle me pink! (Vagina joke, ha!). I felt like I just won the lotto with this lady!

My Lazering treatment was completed well under 20 minutes and I even had to wait for the BFF to come out of her room for what it seemed like a long time. Come to find out, she was on a totally different machine that required a messy gel and her nurse was less than personable (wonder if she is backup receptionist #3).  She didn’t pull out all the stops to sooth my friend and kept making small talk while the painful Lazering was happening.

Her nurse: “Are you married?”

Friend: “No. Ouch!

Her nurse: “Do you have a boyfriend?”

Friend: “NO…ouch, ouch!”

Her nurse: “Do you have a house?”

Friend: “No. (Please shut the fuck up!)

Her nurse: “Do you have a pet?”

Friend: “OUCH! No.”

Her nurse: “Well, I have cats…blah blah blah”

Friend: “<IDGAF>”

Lessons learned:

  1. Always request MY nurse
  2. Request the Lumi machine (no gel)
  3. Get a second job to pay for all the skin services

bob

 

Next up, my face treatment. Pretty sure I am not looking forward to having my face melt off.

 

Knowing is Half the Battle – Finance 101

Do you ever feel as if you are constantly struggling with adulting? Learning lessons the hard way or completing your task(s) the painfully long way? Full-time struggle bus in effect? SAME! I am well into my 30’s and still finding out new (to me) processes for grown-up tasks that would have been nice to know at my very moody AF age of 17. Not sure if my emo self would have given two shits, but heck, it would have been worth a shot.

Adulting (v): to do grown up things and hold responsibilities such as, a 9-5 job, a mortgage/rent, a car payment, or anything else that makes one think of grown ups.

Used in a sentence: Jane is adulting quite well today as she is on time for work promptly at 8am and appears well groomed.  

If you don’t know what I am talking about, consider yourself lucky to have avoided this nonsense and be prepared for prime examples in adulting adversities – finance focused! Or, just skip this blog because you’ve had your shit together since day 1.

I have a list chock-full of fucked up decisions that can lead to long term problems. Of course I am listing these for a friend.  -_-

  • Bouncing checks and incurring overdraft fees that total more than what you have in all of your bank accounts.
  • Buried in student loans that are far greater than your salary.
  • Racking up credit card debt on multiple cards at 30%+ APR.
  • Fucking up your credit score with multiple late payments.
  • Buying a car from the first dealer you encounter and paying sticker price.

Here are my top “adulting” lessons in learning order. Most of you have already experienced all of these “lessons”- but I’m jotting these down for future reference when teaching my children about responsibilities. Here’s to hoping this information is still accurate when that happens. HA!

1. Budgeting

Take your debt (bills) – income = money for savings & entertainment. Easy right? Suuuuuuure, if you remember the balance in your account! Create a spreadsheet to organize and plan. #thatspreadsheetlife

2. Checkbook Balancing

Did you write a check? Subtract that from your balance because yes, that’s money coming out of your account at a later date. Enter that into your spreadsheet.  #spreadsheets4life

3. College Scholarships vs. Grants vs. School Loan Debt

  • Plan A: Try to get a scholarship for your entire college career. Fully funded education.
  • Plan B: Obtain as many grants as you can. Free money.
  • Plan C: Take out school loans (no one wants loans, but if there isn’t any other way, then do so. Mind the interest rate and pay your loans back on time. Otherwise, they will come after you and your firstborn child.

4. FICO/Credit Score

Similar but not the same. Both are used to evaluate credit risk. These scores will follow you and run your life 25/8 in all financial aspects. Want a loan to buy a car? Meet FICO/Credit Score. Want a loan to buy a house? It’s FICO/Credit Score again! In some cases, it may be checked in certain job scenarios. Only rule you need to remember:

  • Pay your credit card bills/loans on time. Every time.

5. Credit Cards

  • Open 2 max with a rating of “good” to “excellent” credit score.
  • Research the cards to find rewards and benefits best suited for your lifestyle along with a tolerable APR.
  • Use around 15%-20% to manage and maintain your credit score.
  • Always pay on time or pay off balances monthly.
  • Pay more than the minimum.

6. Car Loans

  • Study the best and worst times when to buy a car:
  • Research the car in question – especially the safety ratings and consumer reviews. Lifesaving decision here people.
  • Utilize a car pricing report to see what the average price is so you don’t get ripped off.
  • Read reviews on multiple car dealers to find the most reputable company to do business with. Some dealers are shady AS FUCK!
  • Locate car loan companies/banks that will provide the best APR. Why overpay? DERP!

Listen up superintendents of education in all the land of the U.S. of A. – add these important life lessons to the high-school curriculum so that future generations don’t fail!

Some of us weren’t privileged enough to have been handed down this information due to varying circumstances. Having your shit together is everything. Because who wants to pay for mistakes you made as a young adult, well into your 30’s? FML. #lessonslearned

kthanksbye

Urban Dictionary. Retrieved from http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Adulting