Pour me, poor me…

Apparently I haven’t encountered enough douche-bags or experienced WTFuck! or Bitch, please! moments to write about lately. Guess I’ll have to stick with the general category and blog about the adventures I’ve been on instead. Sorry peeps, perhaps in the near future some asshole will piss me off and I’ll have more snarky material to write about. In the meantime don’t worry; I have been working on my sass game while out and about to stir up some drama…evidently I need to try harder!

A few weeks ago I came across this business www.getknitevents.com that puts together private and public events in collaboration with local companies here in Minnesota. I was able to con one friend into attending the Southern Minnesota Brewery Tour with me which included visiting 6 breweries, breakfast, lunch, dinner + snacks. Let’s just say that by stop #2, I was ready for a nap! #oldladystatus.

My day started out with the usual shenanigans by dropping my fucking phone from arm’s length above, edge down, directly onto my cheekbone and then followed up with a tongue bite. Yes folks, this was all prior to any alcohol! For serious! So with a swollen face and tongue, we arrived at our park & ride to start our journey in covering the next 309 miles while trapped on a bus with 30 strangers for the next 13 hours. So help me gawd!

As we made our way down to the first brewery almost 2 hours away, our event hosts were both entertaining and energetic throughout the entire trip and started out with explaining the day’s itinerary along with popping in a movie about the history of beer! Thankfully we paid attention as there was a trivia round on some facts noted in the movie. Who knew you could make beer out of duck poop water!

Upon reaching our first destination, our bus crew was alarmingly quiet – granted it was around 11:30am – but still, we were on GD brewery tour and it was time to get turnt up! We all exited the bus like cattle and headed into the building and the tour guide proceeded to educate us on the history of the brewery and the making of the beer, in a timeline fashion. This was the same exact spiel for the next 5 breweries we hit up. THE SAME EXAAAAAACT! Ugh.

At each stop, we were provided tasty beer flights that ranged between 4-6 glasses along with 12 oz. of your favorite beer. We frontloaded at the first 2 stops and we were able to get through all of the tastings and samples like the champs we are! The next 4 stops were…meh…a different story. To combat our day drinking struggles we napped on the way to the 3rd brewery in hopes that we would feel refreshed for the remaining tours. This helped, only slightly.

As the day went on, our bus crew got a bit noisier and rambunctious while the delicious beer flights were getting tougher to finish from so much beer we drank at the previous stops. To avoid alcohol abuse, we started giving away our portions to new friends we made in route as well as passing on the ones that we knew were too much for our palates to handle. #savewaterdrinkbeer

The effects of a hangover were starting to take place for me at about brewery stop #5. Between drinking, snacks, napping and meals – you’d think after all of my experience that I’d have day drinking under control. Nooooooooope! I was definitely on that struggle bus but not to the extent of other passengers. A few rows back, some dude broke his klepto’d shot glasses from the bar! Doh! “This is why you can’t have nice things!”

In the very back row, someone else upchucked on the ride back to the cities, and all I could smell the entire way home was beer barf, shit and cleaning solution. Almost had ME puking! Fortunately, I was NOT a hotmess and was able to witness a very minimal shitshow. Not sure if this was good or bad or bad for business. Obvi I am always in need of new material for my blogs but this time I didn’t mind the somewhat lowkey clowntown on the bus ride home. Maybe it’s a sign of getting old.

A few pointers for those interested in doing a brewery tour:

  • Get a good night’s rest prior
  • Eat a hearty breakfast that AM (bagels were provided, but I ate at home)
  • Bring a draw-string back pack/fanny pack to hold all the things
  • Bring hand sanitizer/wipes (for when your beer spills on the bus from the shaky ride)
  • Bring a neck pillow (yes, the ones you use on the plane)
  • Bring a bottle opener (in case requested – in which it was)
  • Phone charger or portable charger (the bus had outlets)
  • Bring headphones to connect to your phone/music (to drown out annoying drunk chatter)

All in all a good trip – but just long.

You’ve got to mentally prepare for this as well as physically by way of beer- fasting so you can sample all of the flights in their entirety at every single brewery! My attempts were sub-par compared to others, but then again I escaped with minimal pain the next day. I am sure of it.



It’s A Pole Party!

In my efforts to explore new activities outside my comfort zone, I conned a few of my girlfriends into trying a sexy pole/chair workshop last weekend! Not only was this class very freeing, but was also a huge reality check as to the amount of extreme athleticism involved to be able accomplish the various moves that were taught. This new admiration I have for those that practice this skill has skyrocketed to a whole new level as I was left with countless bruises on my inner thighs, aching behind my knees, sore upper body muscles, and pole burn on my wrist. This shit is B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

We were greeted in a warm, inviting studio that consisted of around 12 poles of which were affixed to the ceiling via steel beams, complete with wall to ceiling mirrors at the front of the room. The temperature was near 77 degrees in order to keep your body warm to produce sweat (or clamminess) in order to stick to the pole for isolated positions. The lights were partially dim so that you didn’t feel as if you were in third world country jail under fluorescent interrogation lights.

The first hour was dedicated to learning the fundamentals of the pole which included transitions, spins, and static tricks. These techniques definitely focused on your core, upper and lower body strength, and endurance. Before the end of the hour, we were able to put together a routine to music. Not gonna lie, my performance was not as “graceful” as I was hoping but I was at least able to complete it.

Due to the abbreviated workshop session and amount of time we had – the skills were taught in a condensed format. To perfect these routines in a normal time frame, it usually takes multiple weeks of classes to build your muscle memory, core and stamina.

The second portion of the workshop focused on chair dancing and all-out sexy moves! Sexy wiggling, hair flipping, body rolling, and slithering were just a few concepts we learned. This portion was less taxing on the body, but more body self-conscious as you concentrated on the sensual zones to create an atmosphere of both naughty and nice. Between the awkwardness on testing this out on your classmate and the idea of moving your body to project sexy – this was almost harder to do while staying in the zone than it was to do the fireman on the pole itself!

The class ended with a short lesson on BDSM and a parting gift of rope, candles and chocolate to enhance the experience. This class was a blast to do and I am definitely considering the 8 week session to amp up my fitness and pole skills! Not only was this a great workout but it added a level of sexy confidence to my demeanor.

For ya’ll first timers – below is advice (as usual).

Pro Tips:

  • Attire Do’s
    • Booty shorts – this allows for you to have direct skin to pole contact so that you are able to stick to the pole and stay put when need be.
    • Layered cotton tanks – it’s hot as fuck in that room and after working your arms, back and abs – you are as sweating like a whore in church.
    • Push up bra – cuz everyone wants their goodies to look sexy and voluptuous!!!!!!!
    • Sweat towel – to dry off your sweatyness.
    • Water bottle – hydrate yo!
  • Attire Don’ts
    • Slick yoga pants – these were not conducive to the pole exercises that involve gripping with your inner thighs. Unless you have a python thigh grip from heavy use of thigh-master – just don’t. Trust me on this. I almost ate shit.
  • Attitude
    • Relax – the environment is safe, non-judgmental and friendly.
    • Can Do – try all the moves no matter how silly you think they are/feel.
    • Confidence – look like you know what you are doing – no one is paying attention to you as they are concentrated on themselves.

For now, I will leave you with the awesome treat of a video of our chair instructor (Jac) for your educational lesson in sexy for the day! Remember when in doubt, twerk it out!