No Happy Endings, Please.

Apologies in advance, but this blog is a bit long. Make sure you carve out a few minutes to sit down to enjoy it all as it reads like a short story. I couldn’t help but share all of the juicy details that made for this unique experience. You’ll see!

Sooooooo, I’ve been eyeing this online deal for about two weeks and I finally gave in and purchased the “47% off discount coupon” for a full-body massage with foot reflexology. Let’s be honest, I was more curious about the foot reflexology portion of the deal than the massage itself, but was extremely happy to see a deal for both! #suckerfordeals

So far, so good – right? Sound innocent and normal enough? Of course! Why wouldn’t it be?!

I immediately called the spa to inquire about the services (specifically regarding foot reflexology) and check on appointment availability.

Spa: Ha-low, <insert business name> & spa.

Me: Hi, I am calling to see what openings you have with Amy for this Saturday or Sunday?

Spa: Ahh, yes. We hab nun for Saturday, and 7pm on Sunday.

Me: Ok! Can you explain the current “coupon” for the massage and foot reflexology and if they are done in tandem according to the website?

Spa: <extremely long pause> OK. Thank you! Click.

Red Flag #1

Ok. Well, there was obviously a language barrier, but I am not one to give up – especially since I got a great deal! Determined, I call back again about 30 minutes later to see if I can get in that very night (Friday) so I could start my weekend off right!

This time, the phone went to voicemail where I proceeded to leave a message with my questions and contact information. My instant thought was, “Ok. So…is this a one person shop? Do I need to call on the hour (every hour) in order to catch a “live” person? Answer my fucking questions!” UGH! I guess I in need of this massage to now calm my inner hulk. Mayhaps I was just anxious to get in, or I was impatient to have my questions answered thoroughly as I just dropped damn near $75 bucks to not know shit!

I call back again… 2 hours later.

Spa: Spa: Ha-low, <insert business name> & spa.

Me: Hi, it’s me again! I wanted to see if you had any openings with Amy for tonight? I left a voicemail a few hours ago.

Spa: Yes. Amy is open at 8pm tonight.

Me: GREAT! Let’s go ahead and book her! <I give her my name>. Is there anything I should anticipate or know ahead of time?

Spa: <another long pause> See you lay-tah at 8pm.

Did I really just get shut down for the second time?! FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! At this point, I am in such a good mood because I was able to squeeze in a Friday same-day massage that I wasn’t going to let that bitch ruin my vibe!

Red Flag #2

Luckily the place wasn’t far from my home – about a 10 minute drive (which by the way was situated between a Tex-Mex restaurant and a coffee and card gaming shop). I entered the spa and was met with an older woman standing behind a tiny desk and to my right was middle-aged gentleman seated in the dimly lit waiting area. They looked to be of Asian descent, but I wasn’t sure of the exact region. This would definitely explain the accent on the multiple phone calls earlier as well as the possible language barrier. I could hear flute music faintly playing in the background along with what sounded like a dryer going.

The woman greeted me with raised eyebrows and questioning eyes, so I blurted out, “Hi. I’m here for my 8pm appointment with Amy, and I am about 20 minutes early.” I turned to take a seat and the woman snaps at me, “Can I hab your coupon numbah?” I quickly turn around, “Sure!” I proceeded to pull up the coupon on my phone app and I showed her my phone screen for easy scan, and state, “Here it is if you want to scan it.” As most places will do that – scan the QRC code = paid in their computer system. #normal

This action was also met with silence. Ok, now I am irritated as fuck while I continued to hold my phone to her face for what felt like 2 minutes as she slowly took down the coupon numbers, so then I state, “Or you can just type it in instead of scanning it.” <continued silence> Then it hit me, this must be the SAME BITCH who fielded my prior phone calls! Don’t know what the fuck I did to receive yet another shitty customer service experience, but for fuck’s sake she needed a throat punch! #instantrage #cashmeoussidebitch! <—intentionally spelled wrong.

I felt my resting bitch face coming on, so I calmly turned away to take a seat, all while the silent waiting room creep avoided eye contact. All of a sudden, the woman barks out orders in an aggressive tone at someone behind the curtained doorway and out appears Amy. She looked to be less than 5’tall and weighed about 95 lbs soaking wet! She was tiny! Her huge smile on her face almost made up for the shitty experience earlier…almost.

Red Flag #3

We parted through the curtained doorway down a “hall”, which was really the center walkway flanked with about 5 “rooms” separated by black, sheer-ish curtains. Nope! Not sheet-rocked, walled, private space, but sectioned, curtained-off spaces that were semi-transparent complete with over sized safety pins for closure. That’s not weird or anything right? Luckily, I was the only client in the spa at the time.

We proceeded to walk about halfway down the hall and she turns to our right and shows me to the “room” where she wanted me to lie down on the low, half-bed with my feet dangling off the edge and my head on a very flat pillow covered with a towel. This request was explained via hand gestures as Amy’s English was very limited. I was instructed to only take off my boots and my hat – which made sense as she didn’t close the sheer-ish curtains at all. Amy left our area and returned with a bucket of hot water and placed my feet in it – which felt like heaven! She then sat on a stool near my head, placed a cloth over my eyes and started to massage my scalp, forehead, temples, neck, arms and hands with a slightly unfamiliar massage using trigger points. Now this is more like it! Relaxation <pause> or so I thought…

It was at this exact moment that the silent waiting room creep decided to suddenly become obnoxiously annoying and loud with what I would guess were his closing tasks. I peeked through my cloth and saw him pace back and forth in the hallway a few times and then could hear him start a new batch of laundry somewhere in the back! The unmistaken sound of the start of running a washing machine was apparent.

Pacer creep then came back down the hall and entered MY non-private space to either drop of something or remove something located near my purse on the stand which heightened my spidey senses and put me a fight or flight mode with a tinge of paranoia. What the fuck is he doing in our space? Is he trying to loot my purse and jack my credit cards and money? Out of the entire, empty spa – he just had to finish his tasks in MY area? What other possible reason could he have to be over here? GTFO! Thank god I left my engagement ring on. FUCK! This was NOT relaxing!

This went on for about 15-20 minutes and then Amy finally got up and removed my feet from the bucket of water and dried them off accordingly. Next up – 30 minute Foot Reflexology! I was looking forward to this part of the service! Since I was still in fight/flight mode, I was not able to fully relax. I adjusted the cloth over my eyes to be slightly askew so I could keep an eye on pacer creep in case he came back again. Seriously, WTFuck!

The foot reflexology massage when on without a hitch, the only odd moment was towards the end where she softly karate chopped the top of my knee, shins, and feet. After that, she performed light slaps to the same areas. I just rolled with it. She then asked me to move to the space across the hall…barefoot. No idea what else has been on that floor, but whatever, I followed. She helped me relocate all my belongings and provided me with a white, very sheer sheet to cover up with upon undressing.

OK! Well, this is happening – with all the sheer! The black sheer-ish curtains, the white very sheer sheet, the pacer creep! FML!!!!!!!

Red Flag #4

I got undressed and hopped onto the narrow table with a small facey-hole built into the table itself. The cloth surrounding the hole was suffocating me so it took a second to find the perfect adjustment of cloth to breathing ratio. Next up was making sure the sheer sheet was covering my body. Once I did that, my facey-hole system was fucked up again. I then repeated my cloth to breathing ratio efforts. Jeezus! I can’t catch a break.

Amy finally returned and she starts to massage my scalp, forehead, temples, neck, and shoulders. So far so good…no hint of the pacer creep and I am starting to relax. She does this odd rolling pin move on my back, which was fine, but then she hopped onto my table with one knee resting on the edge to really dig in with her forearm and elbow! OMFG! Fight or flight mode AGAIN! I had one elbow ready for an Elbow Strike move should something start to get kinky, but luckily it didn’t. She repeated this move on the other side of my body along with her knee resting on the edge of my table. Seriously. The Elbow Strike was in position at all times for the next 30 minutes.

Amy then hopped off of the table to work on the bottom half of my body and adjusted the white, sheer sheet less than 3” from my crotch. Yikes, that was close!!! Like I said, Elbow Strike prepped and ready. She gave my quads a nice rub down – which was a little too close to my vag for my comfort. She was literally one finger slip away from a broken face! UGH!

I was not out of the woods yet, the pacer creep decided to have convo with Amy during my massage. I give up! I can’t even right now. By this time, I am sure I am tense as fuck and my temperature is rising. I am on edge, not relaxed and in a constant fight/flight mode and ready to strike with one inappropriate finger slip. FML! When is this massage over? And then just like that, it was.

I got dressed as fast as I could and started to head out the door. I was quickly intercepted by Amy where she stopped me in my tracks to hug me and handed me her card with a soft “thank you”.  I tipped her and got the hell outta there!

Good thing the spa was near a bar! I needed a shot to calm my nerves!

Lessons learned:

  • Read ALL reviews online before buying coupons. All.of.them.
  • If staff is unfriendly, fuck them and fuck that place
  • Receive all massages in a sheet-rocked, walled room for 100% uninterrupted services
  • If masseuse gets up on the table with you – run like hell!

No happy endings, please.