Scorching, burning, branding and cauterizing- Oh my!

Update from my blog titled, “Almost Punk’d”.

Scorching, burning, branding and cauterizing – those are the words that describe the treatments that we (myself and BFF) chose to do on ourselves in order to gain our youth back and preserve our beauty. Sounds enticing right?!

Unless you are that cheerleader who can’t die or feel pain, a superhero with rapid healing power, or the run of the mill freak show that has a glutton for pain and punishment – this is not a casual walk in the park. Not saying we can’t handle pain, but dayummmmm GINA! A thorough heads up would have been nice, or even a sampling of the torture would have given us greater insight on the level of agony we’d be experiencing with said services.

Personally, I probably wouldn’t have gone through with purchasing all the treatments had I was able to “test” the pain associated with each service. Too  late now, contracts are signed, and now the saying of, “No pain…no gain” STRUGGLE IS REAL and has a totally different meaning now.

The painful services include:

  • Scorching – removing unwanted hair (vagina lazer & armpits)
  • Burning  – reversing skin damage/aging (broad band light or BBL)
  • Branding – slimming and smoothing skin surface (skin tightening)
  • Cauterizing – eliminating veins (vein lazer)

Scorching

As you read in my previous blog, the vag lazer is the standard suction and pinching sensations in which one device is set to scorching temps for the arm pits, while the other “chilled” device is used strictly for the vag area. The cooled lazer only slightly helps the ultra-sensitive area, but don’t get it twisted – it ALLLLLLLLL burns like a mother fucker!!! Not to mention the smell of burnt hair permeating throughout the room – forcefully hot boxing the stench into your nostrils for about 20 minutes! Ugh, I can still smell it as I type!

Burning

The BBL treatment uses a heated (burning), pulsed light that stimulates the targeted skin cells to generate new collagen. We call this face-zapping. Extremely thick gel (which I found out was ultra-sound gel) acts like a conductor and is applied to your face prior to the pulsed light treatment. Face-zapping takes about 20 minutes total.

A series of treatments are supposed to remove redness, skin damage and leave your skin looking 10 years younger! For serious. It’s ALSO supposed to be gentle, and non-invasive with minimal pain. Hmmm weird…SURPRISE this also boo-urns like a mother fucker and leaves my face and cheeks chipmunk swollen! My skin tends to stay red for the next few hours while my face feels like a thousand sunburns – ON FIRE! Super attractive. Not to mention, the stink of burnt popcorn fills the room like a cloud of smoke which envelopes and traps you until you are able to bolt once your face is done being zapped. Lucky for me, I only have a few more treatments left. Kill me now!

More burning/branding

Now I have not had the privilege to experience the “branding” treatment, but it was carefully explained to me as something similar to being prodded with a hot poker, like cattle. The same thick gel used above in the BBL treatment is also applied to all body parts that you wish to slim and smooth the surface on and then the “branding” tool is ironed over the area veerrrrrrrrrryyyyyy sloooooowly. Depending on the size of area you choose (example quads and hamstrings), this entire slow-branding process takes about an hour. For most people, this treatment is also non-invasive and relatively painless, but for the tiny percent with ultra-sensitive skin, well…that’s where the branding sensation comes in! Whoa!

Cauterizing

Not sure why clinics don’t disclose this within their sales tactics, but apparently when you receive treatment that minimizes protruding or spider veins on your body, you are really cauterizing (killing) them. O_O  EEEEEEK! This in turn eliminates the discoloration all together with an end result of a vein-less area.

As explained to me, vein treatments are also prepped with ultrasound gel and require a tool similar to my BBL laser which sends out a pulsed light that permanently zaps the veins away! Voila! OH no, no, no! Not off THAT easy. This lazer is also burning hot and the after affects can leave you with major bruising and swelling. So basically you are on bed-rest after receiving these treatments.

Lessons:

  • Set a budget and stick with it!
  • Ask sales person about honest pain level.
  • Test pain prior to procedures (if possible).
  • Remember you are beautiful and don’t need any procedures and get the hell outta there!
  • Think about it overnight.
  • Never go back.

Final thought for the day…”SHIT, beauty hurts, don’t do it!”