In Sickness and in Health…‘til Sunburn Do Us Part

Postponing our honeymoon from Fall to January was one of the best adult AF things I did in 2017 (well, aside from saying, “I do”). Chillin’ on a beach in Riviera Maya on hot, sunny, 80º days was waaaaaay better than the -10º, cold tundra back home! HA! Take that suckaaaas!!

Basking in the equator sun, surrounded by blue-green ocean, with never ending food and drinks delivered to my beach chair – THIS.IS.THE.LIFE! Ok, ok…I’m not here to gloat, but as always, I love sharing my experiences from abroad, noting the pros and cons of my trips along with colorful, snarky commentary. In true betchplease fashion, of course there were a few medical situations and drama. Oy vey!

 Well, if anything, my last 2 trips outside the U.S. have taught me a few valuable lessons.

  • Pack light
  • Pack lighter

Although I adhered to my own advice in a previous blog, “MexiCANs & MexiDON’Ts – Parte Uno” with my packing do’s and don’ts, my bags were STILL a tad bit too heavy. UGH! So below I’ve shared some additional packing do’s and don’ts.

Packing Do’s – v2

Pack your suitcase at 35 lbs (50 lb limit noted) – this leaves packing room and weight allowance for souvenirs, liquor, beer, wine, wet clothes and more importantly liquor. Did I mention liquor? It’s very important.

  • Pack a water bottle/thermos – to use at the filtered water stations at airports. This saves you from buying $8 bottled water at the airport. Bitch, please!
  • Medical supplies
    • Band-Aids – mostly because I’m accident prone. True to character, I was minding my own business, walking on the beach heading back to my lounge chair and stepped on a fucking shell! This resulted in a deep cut on the bottom of my foot and a good chunk of skin gone. We then asked the staff for a Band-Aid and he promptly sends over the GD medic! Mexican Baywatch at my service! Minus the red lifesaver buoy. ARGH! I just about died of embarrassment as everyone (I mean EVERYONE…as it was a full, packed beach) stared at me with concern while he handed me a single, measly Band-Aid. Nothing here to see folks. No emergency here, move along. Seriously why do these things happen to me?!
    • Pepto caplets – for when you suffer from Montezuma’s Revenge. I was definitely not prepared for this asshole to enter my system, especially not even one day into our vacation. Sooooooo here goes round two of seeing a young, international Doogie Howser, AGAIN in Mexico and it was just as embarrassing as the last time. Having to provide a detailed description of my Montezuma affects was less than cute, all while profusely sweating non-stop as if I had just ran a fucking marathon! I was the literal meaning of #hotmess.
    • Not to mention a costly $189 USD doctor visit + another $111 USD in meds – CASH ONLY. Insurance better accept my claim.

Packing Don’ts – v2

  • Don’t buy $100 worth of toiletries – totally overpriced and extra. Spending $$$ at a local drugstore prior to even leaving on your trip should not be a thing! For fuck sakes! Be smart (because I sure wasn’t) and buy the following either in the summer or discounted at the end of the season:
    • Sunblock
    • SPF lip balm
    • Bug spray
  • Don’t bring 3 bottles of bug spray – just 1 will suffice. We barely used one. At least we are now mosquito proof for the next 5 years. #zikaprepping
  • Don’t bring bottles of any sort that have a pump mechanism. This will result in an explosion that will cover everything within your Ziploc bag (or in your suitcase if you didn’t pack properly). DERP! Don’t be lazy; use those mini plastic squeeze bottles for lotions, liquids, etc. It’s not like you’ll need to use a family-sized bottle of aloe lotion in 1 week. You really won’t.

Customs –

This time the lines weren’t that bad, and I wasn’t even red-lighted! Yay! However, I was sniffed out by the Mexican airport security and his agriculture canine. As I casually walked by the security dog, he immediately perked up, cranked his neck around, and started to follow me. I thought I was for sure going to get bit! Fuck, I was scared shitless as he was on my heels! After being questioned by the security guy, I apparently I smuggled a banana from the plane in my bag and forgot to ditch it prior to customs. As I was being lectured, the security dog continued to stare me down with those judging eyes, “Dumbass human.”

Security guy says, “NO FRUIT, meats, ham, vegetables, plants, allowed through customs.” For some reason, they really focused on ham. NO HAM! I apologized and gave up my banana and walked away without being arrested. My bad! I risked a look back, just in time to overhear the security guy say to his dog, “Muy Bueno!” Yeah, yeah….very good job dog, good job.

Destination Airport –

Luckily for us, we had zero issues at the airport itself. We avoided eye contact with everyone at all costs and we kept our bags close and closer.

Destination taxi –

For the first time ever I booked a taxi service called “Direct Rideshare”. This service provided a shared, direct taxi to our hotel without any stops for a nominal fee. Lucky for us, we were the only ones in the van – both ways! This not only got us to our hotel quicker as we didn’t have to dick around with all the hotel stops along the way, but we also had the freedom to stop at a convenient store to grab some brews and drink ON the way to our hotel! Startin’ the party early, baby! Highly recommend.

Hotel –

Upon arrival we were treated like royalty. Our hotel just happened to be a new, recently opened, 5-star property with the best of the best staff hired! Not even joking, we even had our own local host which was pretty much our butler and available 24/7. I will be writing a review on this hotel in my following blog.

Check-in and settling into our room was a breeze! I had even booked our excursions, golf and spa through their pre-arrival concierge – as you know me, I have to plan everything out in advance to the last detail. To my defense, this affects our packing and so it had to be done!!

This brings me to the next topic on my list to write about – drama, since I’ve already covered the two medical situations. Womp, womp :/ Drama, drama, drama…why does it follow me everywhere?!

Sooooo remember those excursions and appointments I made pre-arrival? The hotel had staff onsite called Vacation Makers that handle all reservations and bookings for excursions and tours. Due to my Montezuma’s Revenge sickness, I had to move mountains to reschedule my spa day and cancel one excursion without penalty. All that work upfront, but I just didn’t trust myself to hit up an all day excursion located an hour away after being on meds for only 12 hours. What if I had to go #3? Too risky to chance that biznass! No way, too soon!

If that wasn’t enough drama, I’ve got more!

Vacation makers fuck up #1 – the day I was sick, I sent my husband away on his prearranged golf outing which was 20 minutes away. He was scheduled to be picked up at our hotel at 8am for his 9am tee time. Easy-peasy, right? He waited 1 hour for them to get their shit together and figure out that they forgot to pick him up. In return for his troubles, they gave him a 10% discount. Neat.

Vacation makers fuck up #2 – our one and only excursion (also prearranged) for a VIP tour of Chichen Itza was scheduled for pick up at our hotel at 6:30am with a 2.5 hour car ride to our final destination. Guess who forgot to pick us up again? Guess who was in full hulk rage by 6:45am after asking a lazy AF employee where our ride was? After interrogating the Vacation Maker staff regarding the whereabouts of our transportation in my pissed off icy tone, his response of, “Sorry, but their office doesn’t open until 7am,” was not good enough. He then slowly pretended to dust some fucking décor that didn’t need dusting and in turn I almost went ballistic on his ass!! I held my back my rage as we still had a few days left to stay at the hotel. I really didn’t feel like embarrassing myself and being hauled to a Mexican jail and I was positive that my husband wasn’t going to spend our life savings on bailing me out through bribery. Note to self and others – waking up at 5:30am is pre-hulk for me and one should approach me with caution. HA! In return for our troubles, we were able to reschedule the same VIP tour for the very next day at a 50% discount. Neat times 2.

Since we were fully awake at this point, we decided to catch the sunrise on the beach which occurred around 7:15am. We were able to set up camp with our pick of front row lounge chairs just in time to watch the gorgeousness rise above the horizon and shine its bright rays across the lapping waves. This was such a peaceful atmosphere and it instantly calmed me down as I sat and reveled in the awesomeness of this star.

In the end, the hotel, staff, amazing food and drinks made up for our little mishaps. It also wouldn’t be a normal trip for me if something didn’t go awry or as planned! 🙂

 

You’re Dead to Me.

Wow, it sure has been awhile! I had to take some time off to plan my wedding! Hopefully I can get my shit together and blog more consistently to share my random, personal, ridiculous, vulnerable, comical, shocking, crazy stories with all of you! HA! Believe me; shit STILL happens to me ALL THE TIME! I constantly shake my head and say, “Are you fucking kidding me?!” or “What the fuck?!” which seems to be my daily chant.

As long as I can remember, I’ve always had a very cutthroat attitude when it comes to trust and relationships – the kind where once you do me wrong, my forgiveness is out the window. This applies to many types of relationships across the board: friends, family, romantic, coworkers, etc. Once that sacred trust is broken, my kindness taken for granted, or my love manipulated and discarded… you can never get it back, ever.

You’re dead to me.

I suppose this hardened approach stems from my fucked up childhood where love (psychological) and basic needs were split between two homes. In my main home, all of my basic needs were met (food/shelter), but this came with a heavy price – the many, MANY years of almost daily mental and physical abuse. While in my weekend home, was the love and care that I was missing 5 out of the 7 days of the week. As you just read, “was” is italicized as that too eventually became broken. This quick excerpt into my past is a preface to my current state and serves as an explanation as to how I operate.

I may sound cynical here, but this cliché is true; during the worst times of your life (or when monumental events occur) is when the true colors of people will be exposed. Unfortunately, these painful lessons learned contribute to my logic of – the older I get, the less peopley I am. My trust (or friend) circle becomes smaller and I choose quality over quantity. I don’t have time for the bullshit, the drama and for those that don’t show the same decency, loyalty and kindness I have showed them. In my world it’s a two-way street with me and if you aren’t operating on my level (friend or family), you can get the fuck out.

Obviously, the “wrong” would have had to be severe enough for me to get to this point, which brings me to some very unsettling and damaging examples that have occurred over the past years. This year in particular, which through very cruel life lessons, I learned that those that were close to me showed their true colors served with a knife in my back. This past year should have been filled with friends and family supporting me with all of the positive things happening, but unfortunately it was filled with betrayal, anguish, turmoil and self-doubt.

Below are a few ghosting lessons worth mentioning…more for my healing process than writing an entertaining story. So if this sounds like complaining, I’m not. It’s therapeutic for me to write…and so I am. #CrabbyAF

Lesson #1 – Ghosting during a crisis (the act of disappearing during extremely tough or worst times of your life).

  • After my breakup of a long term relationship. This felt like more of a divorce based on the length of the relationship, selling our home, and losing friends who chose sides.
  • After leaving companies or jobs.
    • I saw these people every day, day in and day out and once my time ended at that job, many promised to “stay in touch”. HA. #go.step.on.legos
  • My sister’s horrific motorcycle accident
    • My most trying time to date. Just when you need people the most, they drop the ball and kick you while you are down. Still no words exchanged to this day. #ihopeyoudiealone

Lesson #2 – Ghosting upon hearing big, exciting news! (The art of faking your happiness towards someone else and then disappearing altogether.)

  • Engagement
    • After hearing about my engagement, your fake happiness for me was repulsive. Just stop. I misjudged your lack of enthusiasm and interest for your own hardships at the time. Your true colors left me with a knife in my back that I hope to someday repay the favor. #snakeinthegrass #vindictive
  • Wedding
    • My wedding party had included you. All of you. The permanent words said and the lack of words said (ghosting) cut very deep. You were supposed to be a part of my special day and to share in my happiness of one of the best days of my life. The anxiety and hurt from this was a hard lesson to swallow. #stillrecovering
    • Attending my wedding. As immediate family members, you’d think that acknowledging, much less attending, my wedding would be of the utmost importance to you, as it was and would be for me to show the same respect during your time. However, the concept of “family” is hard for you to comprehend and your inability to show decency for your own blood relative is beyond me. You can all suffer in each other’s company. I’m out. #zerofucksleft

Lesson #3 – Ghosting from my life (the classic dick move of casting aside your bond, friendship and family loyalty.)

  • Before moving to MN.
    • Particularly family in this case. When you live in the same city, but you were too caught up in your own life to be a present family member. Your selfish acts rooted a deep wedge between us that has not budged over the years. These same acts have caused an adverse impact on our family and your family. For this I say, “You made your bed, now lie in it”.
  • After moving to MN.
    • Many friends and family swore to keep in touch, visit, and call. Few did. I guess this was a good way to rid myself of selfish assholes that only need you when they need something. #outofsightoutofmind
  • After they start dating someone.
    • Now that they have someone in their life, they have zero time for you – even though you were present during their singledom over the years. Convenient friendship isn’t my jam. When you are single again and you reach out to your old friends, I hope you are shunned and left feeling alone in the world. #eyeforaneye
  • After choosing both sides.
    • When you are caught in the middle of someone else’s conflict and you choose both sides and do your best to comfort all. Then both parties end up turning on you and therefore are left without an entire side of your family. <hands clapping> You deserve each other. I dodged a bullet. #companylovesmisery

 

If you are feeling guilty of any of these – fuck you, I’ve moved on. You’re dead to me.

 

Scorching, burning, branding and cauterizing- Oh my!

Update from my blog titled, “Almost Punk’d”.

Scorching, burning, branding and cauterizing – those are the words that describe the treatments that we (myself and BFF) chose to do on ourselves in order to gain our youth back and preserve our beauty. Sounds enticing right?!

Unless you are that cheerleader who can’t die or feel pain, a superhero with rapid healing power, or the run of the mill freak show that has a glutton for pain and punishment – this is not a casual walk in the park. Not saying we can’t handle pain, but dayummmmm GINA! A thorough heads up would have been nice, or even a sampling of the torture would have given us greater insight on the level of agony we’d be experiencing with said services.

Personally, I probably wouldn’t have gone through with purchasing all the treatments had I was able to “test” the pain associated with each service. Too  late now, contracts are signed, and now the saying of, “No pain…no gain” STRUGGLE IS REAL and has a totally different meaning now.

The painful services include:

  • Scorching – removing unwanted hair (vagina lazer & armpits)
  • Burning  – reversing skin damage/aging (broad band light or BBL)
  • Branding – slimming and smoothing skin surface (skin tightening)
  • Cauterizing – eliminating veins (vein lazer)

Scorching

As you read in my previous blog, the vag lazer is the standard suction and pinching sensations in which one device is set to scorching temps for the arm pits, while the other “chilled” device is used strictly for the vag area. The cooled lazer only slightly helps the ultra-sensitive area, but don’t get it twisted – it ALLLLLLLLL burns like a mother fucker!!! Not to mention the smell of burnt hair permeating throughout the room – forcefully hot boxing the stench into your nostrils for about 20 minutes! Ugh, I can still smell it as I type!

Burning

The BBL treatment uses a heated (burning), pulsed light that stimulates the targeted skin cells to generate new collagen. We call this face-zapping. Extremely thick gel (which I found out was ultra-sound gel) acts like a conductor and is applied to your face prior to the pulsed light treatment. Face-zapping takes about 20 minutes total.

A series of treatments are supposed to remove redness, skin damage and leave your skin looking 10 years younger! For serious. It’s ALSO supposed to be gentle, and non-invasive with minimal pain. Hmmm weird…SURPRISE this also boo-urns like a mother fucker and leaves my face and cheeks chipmunk swollen! My skin tends to stay red for the next few hours while my face feels like a thousand sunburns – ON FIRE! Super attractive. Not to mention, the stink of burnt popcorn fills the room like a cloud of smoke which envelopes and traps you until you are able to bolt once your face is done being zapped. Lucky for me, I only have a few more treatments left. Kill me now!

More burning/branding

Now I have not had the privilege to experience the “branding” treatment, but it was carefully explained to me as something similar to being prodded with a hot poker, like cattle. The same thick gel used above in the BBL treatment is also applied to all body parts that you wish to slim and smooth the surface on and then the “branding” tool is ironed over the area veerrrrrrrrrryyyyyy sloooooowly. Depending on the size of area you choose (example quads and hamstrings), this entire slow-branding process takes about an hour. For most people, this treatment is also non-invasive and relatively painless, but for the tiny percent with ultra-sensitive skin, well…that’s where the branding sensation comes in! Whoa!

Cauterizing

Not sure why clinics don’t disclose this within their sales tactics, but apparently when you receive treatment that minimizes protruding or spider veins on your body, you are really cauterizing (killing) them. O_O  EEEEEEK! This in turn eliminates the discoloration all together with an end result of a vein-less area.

As explained to me, vein treatments are also prepped with ultrasound gel and require a tool similar to my BBL laser which sends out a pulsed light that permanently zaps the veins away! Voila! OH no, no, no! Not off THAT easy. This lazer is also burning hot and the after affects can leave you with major bruising and swelling. So basically you are on bed-rest after receiving these treatments.

Lessons:

  • Set a budget and stick with it!
  • Ask sales person about honest pain level.
  • Test pain prior to procedures (if possible).
  • Remember you are beautiful and don’t need any procedures and get the hell outta there!
  • Think about it overnight.
  • Never go back.

Final thought for the day…”SHIT, beauty hurts, don’t do it!”

 

 

Knowing is Half the Battle – Finance 101

Do you ever feel as if you are constantly struggling with adulting? Learning lessons the hard way or completing your task(s) the painfully long way? Full-time struggle bus in effect? SAME! I am well into my 30’s and still finding out new (to me) processes for grown-up tasks that would have been nice to know at my very moody AF age of 17. Not sure if my emo self would have given two shits, but heck, it would have been worth a shot.

Adulting (v): to do grown up things and hold responsibilities such as, a 9-5 job, a mortgage/rent, a car payment, or anything else that makes one think of grown ups.

Used in a sentence: Jane is adulting quite well today as she is on time for work promptly at 8am and appears well groomed.  

If you don’t know what I am talking about, consider yourself lucky to have avoided this nonsense and be prepared for prime examples in adulting adversities – finance focused! Or, just skip this blog because you’ve had your shit together since day 1.

I have a list chock-full of fucked up decisions that can lead to long term problems. Of course I am listing these for a friend.  -_-

  • Bouncing checks and incurring overdraft fees that total more than what you have in all of your bank accounts.
  • Buried in student loans that are far greater than your salary.
  • Racking up credit card debt on multiple cards at 30%+ APR.
  • Fucking up your credit score with multiple late payments.
  • Buying a car from the first dealer you encounter and paying sticker price.

Here are my top “adulting” lessons in learning order. Most of you have already experienced all of these “lessons”- but I’m jotting these down for future reference when teaching my children about responsibilities. Here’s to hoping this information is still accurate when that happens. HA!

1. Budgeting

Take your debt (bills) – income = money for savings & entertainment. Easy right? Suuuuuuure, if you remember the balance in your account! Create a spreadsheet to organize and plan. #thatspreadsheetlife

2. Checkbook Balancing

Did you write a check? Subtract that from your balance because yes, that’s money coming out of your account at a later date. Enter that into your spreadsheet.  #spreadsheets4life

3. College Scholarships vs. Grants vs. School Loan Debt

  • Plan A: Try to get a scholarship for your entire college career. Fully funded education.
  • Plan B: Obtain as many grants as you can. Free money.
  • Plan C: Take out school loans (no one wants loans, but if there isn’t any other way, then do so. Mind the interest rate and pay your loans back on time. Otherwise, they will come after you and your firstborn child.

4. FICO/Credit Score

Similar but not the same. Both are used to evaluate credit risk. These scores will follow you and run your life 25/8 in all financial aspects. Want a loan to buy a car? Meet FICO/Credit Score. Want a loan to buy a house? It’s FICO/Credit Score again! In some cases, it may be checked in certain job scenarios. Only rule you need to remember:

  • Pay your credit card bills/loans on time. Every time.

5. Credit Cards

  • Open 2 max with a rating of “good” to “excellent” credit score.
  • Research the cards to find rewards and benefits best suited for your lifestyle along with a tolerable APR.
  • Use around 15%-20% to manage and maintain your credit score.
  • Always pay on time or pay off balances monthly.
  • Pay more than the minimum.

6. Car Loans

  • Study the best and worst times when to buy a car:
  • Research the car in question – especially the safety ratings and consumer reviews. Lifesaving decision here people.
  • Utilize a car pricing report to see what the average price is so you don’t get ripped off.
  • Read reviews on multiple car dealers to find the most reputable company to do business with. Some dealers are shady AS FUCK!
  • Locate car loan companies/banks that will provide the best APR. Why overpay? DERP!

Listen up superintendents of education in all the land of the U.S. of A. – add these important life lessons to the high-school curriculum so that future generations don’t fail!

Some of us weren’t privileged enough to have been handed down this information due to varying circumstances. Having your shit together is everything. Because who wants to pay for mistakes you made as a young adult, well into your 30’s? FML. #lessonslearned

kthanksbye

Urban Dictionary. Retrieved from http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Adulting