Hi there, How Can I NOT Help You?

Have you ever dialed a 1-800 number, typed in your 16 digit account number/verification code, then answered 20 questions and 20 prompts later – only to be met with a person on the other line that asks you to repeat the info you just typed in AND then decides to be a lazy fucker and become unresponsive to your questions?!! Oh yeah, if not – please call your student loan servicers, insurance office, phone/internet/cable/utility companies, banks, or credit card company. These are just a few businesses included in the death circle that can make you feel like flipping a fucking table, pulling out your hair or punching someone in the GD throat. #raging

I’ve since come up with a cheat sheet below on how to avoid some of the madness as well as pressure the “customer service person” to do their fucking job. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been on the other side and pride myself on providing good customer service on a daily basis even though it’s “not my job”.

By the time you call these businesses and reach a live person you are probably out for blood and on a full rampage. What I try to do from the get-go is preface the call with, “I am not upset at you, but I am upset at the problem.” 9 times out of 10, the person will show compassion and will want to assist you in fixing the problem and immediately start diffusing the situation. If that doesn’t work, please refer to the items below to save your sanity.

Avoiding 20 Prompts – this seems to work 80% of the time. Saves me having to answer about 20 questions via the automated lady and will quickly connect me to a live person, therefore, lowering my blood pressure and anxiety level to slightly elevated.

  • Press “0”, (zero) at every option possible, ALL OPTIONS
  • Ask for “customer service rep” at all voice prompts
  • As for a “supervisor”
  • Don’t waste time entering your info in; you will only end up repeating it all to the rep as if they don’t see shit on their screen or that “it didn’t come through”. All that work. #wasteoftime

Flat Answers– when you speak to a person that gives you flat answers or stays quiet on the other end. They appear unresponsive and cold which makes you wish you could crawl through the phone line to strangle them!

Them: “I don’t know”

Me: “Can you transfer me to someone who does know?”

Them: <silence>

Me: “Are you there? Yes, no? Should I call back when you are done napping or when your done playing your turn on Words?”

Are you fucking kidding me? If you don’t know, then maybe you shouldn’t be working there. Perhaps answering with, “I don’t know, but I can find someone who can help or get you to the right person” would make you look like less of a dumbass and helpful at the same time. Politeness and helpfulness goes a long way people. I don’t mind waiting if someone is sincerely tracking down an answer or another person that can help.

Them: “That’s not my department”

Me: “Can you transfer me to someone IN the right department, then?”

Are you really trying to shut my shit down? What department do you work in? The big “fuck you” department? I am sure your manager isn’t paying you to sit at your desk and answer the phone with the silent treatment.

Them: “That’s not my job”

Me: “What exactly IS your job? What CAN you do for me? Please transfer me to someone whose job it is then.”

Time to get a new fucking job BETCH if you are unable to help or unable to defer me to someone who can! You shouldn’t be at the front line, answering phones if you cannot provide answers or who to transfer someone to. All I want is answers. If you don’t know, politely put me on hold to find out where to pass me along to – not that hard.

Escalation – I tend to save this option as my last resort, right before I cut someone. I request to speak with the person’s supervisor who technically should be trained in handling raging customers who have reached their max level of patience. Supervisors are usually apologetic, helpful, offer solutions to my problems and immediately start working on solving the issue(s) at hand.

  • Start with this option if you only have 10 minutes tops to deal
  • Write complaint letters to the president/owner
  • Write complaint letters to the Better Business Bureau, State’s Attorney General and the Federal regulating company for that business

After taking a 10 minute break, I am now ready to conclude this blog.

Although sometimes you encounter douche bags that have no clue what the hell they are doing in their job, there is always the flip side – receiving amazing customer service where all of the stars align perfectly and your problems are solved in 5 minutes flat!

It is always best to set the call starting with a positive attitude, politeness and clearly explain your situation. Setting an even tone from the moment you speak can go a long ways in getting what you want without the unnecessary drama.

Rant Over.


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