Postponing our honeymoon from Fall to January was one of the best adult AF things I did in 2017 (well, aside from saying, “I do”). Chillin’ on a beach in Riviera Maya on hot, sunny, 80º days was waaaaaay better than the -10º, cold tundra back home! HA! Take that suckaaaas!!
Basking in the equator sun, surrounded by blue-green ocean, with never ending food and drinks delivered to my beach chair – THIS.IS.THE.LIFE! Ok, ok…I’m not here to gloat, but as always, I love sharing my experiences from abroad, noting the pros and cons of my trips along with colorful, snarky commentary. In true betchplease fashion, of course there were a few medical situations and drama. Oy vey!
Well, if anything, my last 2 trips outside the U.S. have taught me a few valuable lessons.
- Pack light
- Pack lighter
Although I adhered to my own advice in a previous blog, “MexiCANs & MexiDON’Ts – Parte Uno” with my packing do’s and don’ts, my bags were STILL a tad bit too heavy. UGH! So below I’ve shared some additional packing do’s and don’ts.
Packing Do’s – v2
Pack your suitcase at 35 lbs (50 lb limit noted) – this leaves packing room and weight allowance for souvenirs, liquor, beer, wine, wet clothes and more importantly liquor. Did I mention liquor? It’s very important.
- Pack a water bottle/thermos – to use at the filtered water stations at airports. This saves you from buying $8 bottled water at the airport. Bitch, please!
- Medical supplies
- Band-Aids – mostly because I’m accident prone. True to character, I was minding my own business, walking on the beach heading back to my lounge chair and stepped on a fucking shell! This resulted in a deep cut on the bottom of my foot and a good chunk of skin gone. We then asked the staff for a Band-Aid and he promptly sends over the GD medic! Mexican Baywatch at my service! Minus the red lifesaver buoy. ARGH! I just about died of embarrassment as everyone (I mean EVERYONE…as it was a full, packed beach) stared at me with concern while he handed me a single, measly Band-Aid. Nothing here to see folks. No emergency here, move along. Seriously why do these things happen to me?!
- Pepto caplets – for when you suffer from Montezuma’s Revenge. I was definitely not prepared for this asshole to enter my system, especially not even one day into our vacation. Sooooooo here goes round two of seeing a young, international Doogie Howser, AGAIN in Mexico and it was just as embarrassing as the last time. Having to provide a detailed description of my Montezuma affects was less than cute, all while profusely sweating non-stop as if I had just ran a fucking marathon! I was the literal meaning of #hotmess.
- Not to mention a costly $189 USD doctor visit + another $111 USD in meds – CASH ONLY. Insurance better accept my claim.
Packing Don’ts – v2
- Don’t buy $100 worth of toiletries – totally overpriced and extra. Spending $$$ at a local drugstore prior to even leaving on your trip should not be a thing! For fuck sakes! Be smart (because I sure wasn’t) and buy the following either in the summer or discounted at the end of the season:
- SPF lip balm
- Bug spray
- Don’t bring 3 bottles of bug spray – just 1 will suffice. We barely used one. At least we are now mosquito proof for the next 5 years. #zikaprepping
- Don’t bring bottles of any sort that have a pump mechanism. This will result in an explosion that will cover everything within your Ziploc bag (or in your suitcase if you didn’t pack properly). DERP! Don’t be lazy; use those mini plastic squeeze bottles for lotions, liquids, etc. It’s not like you’ll need to use a family-sized bottle of aloe lotion in 1 week. You really won’t.
This time the lines weren’t that bad, and I wasn’t even red-lighted! Yay! However, I was sniffed out by the Mexican airport security and his agriculture canine. As I casually walked by the security dog, he immediately perked up, cranked his neck around, and started to follow me. I thought I was for sure going to get bit! Fuck, I was scared shitless as he was on my heels! After being questioned by the security guy, I apparently I smuggled a banana from the plane in my bag and forgot to ditch it prior to customs. As I was being lectured, the security dog continued to stare me down with those judging eyes, “Dumbass human.”
Security guy says, “NO FRUIT, meats, ham, vegetables, plants, allowed through customs.” For some reason, they really focused on ham. NO HAM! I apologized and gave up my banana and walked away without being arrested. My bad! I risked a look back, just in time to overhear the security guy say to his dog, “Muy Bueno!” Yeah, yeah….very good job dog, good job.
Destination Airport –
Luckily for us, we had zero issues at the airport itself. We avoided eye contact with everyone at all costs and we kept our bags close and closer.
Destination taxi –
For the first time ever I booked a taxi service called “Direct Rideshare”. This service provided a shared, direct taxi to our hotel without any stops for a nominal fee. Lucky for us, we were the only ones in the van – both ways! This not only got us to our hotel quicker as we didn’t have to dick around with all the hotel stops along the way, but we also had the freedom to stop at a convenient store to grab some brews and drink ON the way to our hotel! Startin’ the party early, baby! Highly recommend.
Upon arrival we were treated like royalty. Our hotel just happened to be a new, recently opened, 5-star property with the best of the best staff hired! Not even joking, we even had our own local host which was pretty much our butler and available 24/7. I will be writing a review on this hotel in my following blog.
Check-in and settling into our room was a breeze! I had even booked our excursions, golf and spa through their pre-arrival concierge – as you know me, I have to plan everything out in advance to the last detail. To my defense, this affects our packing and so it had to be done!!
This brings me to the next topic on my list to write about – drama, since I’ve already covered the two medical situations. Womp, womp :/ Drama, drama, drama…why does it follow me everywhere?!
Sooooo remember those excursions and appointments I made pre-arrival? The hotel had staff onsite called Vacation Makers that handle all reservations and bookings for excursions and tours. Due to my Montezuma’s Revenge sickness, I had to move mountains to reschedule my spa day and cancel one excursion without penalty. All that work upfront, but I just didn’t trust myself to hit up an all day excursion located an hour away after being on meds for only 12 hours. What if I had to go #3? Too risky to chance that biznass! No way, too soon!
If that wasn’t enough drama, I’ve got more!
Vacation makers fuck up #1 – the day I was sick, I sent my husband away on his prearranged golf outing which was 20 minutes away. He was scheduled to be picked up at our hotel at 8am for his 9am tee time. Easy-peasy, right? He waited 1 hour for them to get their shit together and figure out that they forgot to pick him up. In return for his troubles, they gave him a 10% discount. Neat.
Vacation makers fuck up #2 – our one and only excursion (also prearranged) for a VIP tour of Chichen Itza was scheduled for pick up at our hotel at 6:30am with a 2.5 hour car ride to our final destination. Guess who forgot to pick us up again? Guess who was in full hulk rage by 6:45am after asking a lazy AF employee where our ride was? After interrogating the Vacation Maker staff regarding the whereabouts of our transportation in my pissed off icy tone, his response of, “Sorry, but their office doesn’t open until 7am,” was not good enough. He then slowly pretended to dust some fucking décor that didn’t need dusting and in turn I almost went ballistic on his ass!! I held my back my rage as we still had a few days left to stay at the hotel. I really didn’t feel like embarrassing myself and being hauled to a Mexican jail and I was positive that my husband wasn’t going to spend our life savings on bailing me out through bribery. Note to self and others – waking up at 5:30am is pre-hulk for me and one should approach me with caution. HA! In return for our troubles, we were able to reschedule the same VIP tour for the very next day at a 50% discount. Neat times 2.
Since we were fully awake at this point, we decided to catch the sunrise on the beach which occurred around 7:15am. We were able to set up camp with our pick of front row lounge chairs just in time to watch the gorgeousness rise above the horizon and shine its bright rays across the lapping waves. This was such a peaceful atmosphere and it instantly calmed me down as I sat and reveled in the awesomeness of this star.
In the end, the hotel, staff, amazing food and drinks made up for our little mishaps. It also wouldn’t be a normal trip for me if something didn’t go awry or as planned! 🙂