Almost, Punk’d

Preface I

I presume most of you have seen the reality comedy show where a certain celebrity plays tricks, or pulls pranks, on other celebrities while covertly filming the scene unbeknownst to the target. If not, you are surely missing out on some of the best stealthily created schemes that almost always results in the target becoming infuriated to the point where we see them lose their shit! The entire concept is quite hilarious and very entertaining, as long as you’re not the one being punk’d!

Preface 2

Now imagine being talked into attending a Bridal Fair (which was an experience in itself), where you and your BFF both enter and “win” a drawing for $500 towards services from a skin clinic to fix problematic areas on your body that you’ve been either self-conscious or insecure about. Keep in mind that on the drawing slip there were multiple boxes to check mark areas of concern – in which my BFF decided to check mark ALL THE BOXES for me and even included smiley faces for good measure! HA! The real story here is that yes, we each received a phone call that we BOTH won…fishy, right? I thought so, too.

Scene I – Operation Get Your Shit Together

If you’ve been following my blogs, you’d notice that life likes to throw me curve balls and things never come easy – not even winning a GD contest! FML! So, another adventure begins!

Since it’s safer in numbers, the BFF and I conveniently planned our skin clinic consultations to occur at the same time and upon our Saturday arrival, of course the doors were locked.  After giving each other the annoyed side-eye glance we then peered through the first set of glass double doors and could see that the clinic shared a space with a bank. We panned our eyes towards the second set of double doors, and saw the receptionist’s head bobbing up and down while chatting with a casually dressed man.

After frantically waiving our arms like those fucking wacky waving inflatable flailing tube guys you see at auto dealerships, we were still unable to grab their attention. We gave up and then turned to the intercom and pressed the “call” button a thousand times while simultaneously checking the receptionist’s reaction – none. Much bullshit, it didn’t even work! WTF!

Beyond irritated, we focused our attention on the casually dressed man hogging the receptionist’s attention and noticed that he was wearing a brown, retro track jacket that looked like something out of a 1970’s porn. His thin, creepy mustache combined with his tousled, greasy hair was enough to make me feel like I needed to take another shower. <Instant shudder>

We both gave each other the look of, “Seriously, who’s running this shitshow? Should we be worried?” After about ten more minutes of exasperated wacky wavy flailing arm attempts to snag their attention, the porn star finally sees us and hurries over to open the locked doors. He apologizes as he walks us towards their office which was full of disarray and chaos; he states that the company is in mid-move to their new location in which should be completed by Monday. GREEEAAAAATTTTTT! So why the fuck are you open at a time like this with locked doors, intercom buttons broken, porn star outfits with fucking creepy staches? UGH!

Anyway, the head bobbing receptionist also apologized for the mess and proceeded to lead us back into the maze of boxes and movers towards the back stairs to head to the second level. At the end of the deserted hall we spot a second receptionist that looked hung-over as fuck and bored out of her mind.  We continued to take in the scenery of the makeshift, barren office with a printer on the floor, papers astray, missing lobby chairs and zero furniture, we weren’t offered a seat or water – as they had neither. However, we WERE offered a clipboard to fill out while standing up, cuz you know, zero furniture and all.

A sunny sales person finally emerged from behind a closed office door and warmly welcomed us to the messy clinic. We finished completing our paperwork and handed her our clipboards. She then guided us to an office that actually DID have chairs and a table to sit down at.

At this point we were both so taken back with the fucking hotmess, janky atmosphere, unprofessional  and unmotivated staff that we were convinced that we were now being punk’d and that someone was suddenly going to burst through the doors and say, ”HA! This isn’t a skin clinic; you’re on a reality show!” But of course that didn’t happen.

Scene II – Buying All the Things

The next 1.5 hours were filled with well-placed sales pitches addressing our problem areas that we had check marked on our drawing slip. How convenient and cruel at the same time! Needless to say, after reviewing all of our service options, seeing countless before and after photos on many different procedures, and number crunching costs like maniacs – we each walked away with a few services under our belt and a lot poorer. I could literally feel my credit score plummeting and my blood pressure rising! <Insert face palm>

Instant buyer’s remorse was almost immediate for me and had me sick to my stomach due to the anxiety of coming clean to my SO with my newly signed contract itemizing my procedures that totaled more than my first car. FUCK! Thankfully he understood, or at least he says so. -_-

Scene III – Procedure Experience

Since our consult was done together, we decided to continue our BFF bond and schedule our appointments for the same date/time as well! Makes sense, right?!  We arrived at the new location/building and of course their business wasn’t noted on the building’s directory. Here we go again! Maybe this was the day we actually get punk’d; 5 days after we signed our life away on all the paperwork committing to all the services and all the procedures.

Turns out that they were a legit business and we walked into a beautiful lobby area with not one 1 but 2 receptionists who lacked the personable greeting skills that one would expect from company that has a customer service based model of operation. Business 101, your customers are your bread and butter, greet and treat every one of them walking through the door as if they were your number one client.  Where the fuck is my red carpet? Where’s my glass of Dom – let’s pop champagne here people!

We were then escorted down the hall to a second waiting room with dimmed lights – we assumed that this was necessary to ease anxiety before getting your body parts Lazered (<– this spelling is fun!). What do ya know, its clipboard time again! We felt so spoiled with brand new chairs to sit down in, cold flowing water or coffee, and most of our answers were ‘NA’. Done and done!

After a few minutes our nurses retrieved us and took us to our separate rooms where we each were given instructions and information. Come to find out, we each received different instructions – or lack thereof. I ended up with a very soothing nurse that gave me clear instructions on what we were doing as well as answered all of my questions and made my experience very comforting. Let me rephrase that, as comforting as one could be with having a heated instrument attach to your armpit with a suction/pinching feeling and then repeated pain about 8 times per armpit. Also, never mind the burning hair smell and discomfort that literally made me sweat to the point where my goggles fogged up. HA! My eyeballs were evening burning! Fuck! Just kidding, not really but the fogging needed explanation.

Next up on deck to Lazer were my southern regions. Yes, your assumption was correct. My vagina was also definitely getting the hairless cure. No more razors, razor burn, shaving, itchy crotch or waxing for me! Ever! This time the heat was turned waaaaaaaaay down on the instrument. Thank god! The suction/pinching feeling was more intense but closely followed with a cool down which didn’t make it any better than the armpits. Little did I know that I was very ticklish in the groin region and in turn I had to fully concentrate on not snapping the nurse’s neck with my Venus thigh traps! She could have died!

I was slightly embarrassed for nervously sweating and my nurse assured me with, “Oh honey, I am all about the sweat and the vaginas in this business as I’ve seen it all!” HA!! Apparently she also performs a sweat removal procedure. Well, tickle me pink! (Vagina joke, ha!). I felt like I just won the lotto with this lady!

My Lazering treatment was completed well under 20 minutes and I even had to wait for the BFF to come out of her room for what it seemed like a long time. Come to find out, she was on a totally different machine that required a messy gel and her nurse was less than personable (wonder if she is backup receptionist #3).  She didn’t pull out all the stops to sooth my friend and kept making small talk while the painful Lazering was happening.

Her nurse: “Are you married?”

Friend: “No. Ouch!

Her nurse: “Do you have a boyfriend?”

Friend: “NO…ouch, ouch!”

Her nurse: “Do you have a house?”

Friend: “No. (Please shut the fuck up!)

Her nurse: “Do you have a pet?”

Friend: “OUCH! No.”

Her nurse: “Well, I have cats…blah blah blah”

Friend: “<IDGAF>”

Lessons learned:

  1. Always request MY nurse
  2. Request the Lumi machine (no gel)
  3. Get a second job to pay for all the skin services



Next up, my face treatment. Pretty sure I am not looking forward to having my face melt off.


Knowing is Half the Battle – Finance 101

Do you ever feel as if you are constantly struggling with adulting? Learning lessons the hard way or completing your task(s) the painfully long way? Full-time struggle bus in effect? SAME! I am well into my 30’s and still finding out new (to me) processes for grown-up tasks that would have been nice to know at my very moody AF age of 17. Not sure if my emo self would have given two shits, but heck, it would have been worth a shot.

Adulting (v): to do grown up things and hold responsibilities such as, a 9-5 job, a mortgage/rent, a car payment, or anything else that makes one think of grown ups.

Used in a sentence: Jane is adulting quite well today as she is on time for work promptly at 8am and appears well groomed.  

If you don’t know what I am talking about, consider yourself lucky to have avoided this nonsense and be prepared for prime examples in adulting adversities – finance focused! Or, just skip this blog because you’ve had your shit together since day 1.

I have a list chock-full of fucked up decisions that can lead to long term problems. Of course I am listing these for a friend.  -_-

  • Bouncing checks and incurring overdraft fees that total more than what you have in all of your bank accounts.
  • Buried in student loans that are far greater than your salary.
  • Racking up credit card debt on multiple cards at 30%+ APR.
  • Fucking up your credit score with multiple late payments.
  • Buying a car from the first dealer you encounter and paying sticker price.

Here are my top “adulting” lessons in learning order. Most of you have already experienced all of these “lessons”- but I’m jotting these down for future reference when teaching my children about responsibilities. Here’s to hoping this information is still accurate when that happens. HA!

1. Budgeting

Take your debt (bills) – income = money for savings & entertainment. Easy right? Suuuuuuure, if you remember the balance in your account! Create a spreadsheet to organize and plan. #thatspreadsheetlife

2. Checkbook Balancing

Did you write a check? Subtract that from your balance because yes, that’s money coming out of your account at a later date. Enter that into your spreadsheet.  #spreadsheets4life

3. College Scholarships vs. Grants vs. School Loan Debt

  • Plan A: Try to get a scholarship for your entire college career. Fully funded education.
  • Plan B: Obtain as many grants as you can. Free money.
  • Plan C: Take out school loans (no one wants loans, but if there isn’t any other way, then do so. Mind the interest rate and pay your loans back on time. Otherwise, they will come after you and your firstborn child.

4. FICO/Credit Score

Similar but not the same. Both are used to evaluate credit risk. These scores will follow you and run your life 25/8 in all financial aspects. Want a loan to buy a car? Meet FICO/Credit Score. Want a loan to buy a house? It’s FICO/Credit Score again! In some cases, it may be checked in certain job scenarios. Only rule you need to remember:

  • Pay your credit card bills/loans on time. Every time.

5. Credit Cards

  • Open 2 max with a rating of “good” to “excellent” credit score.
  • Research the cards to find rewards and benefits best suited for your lifestyle along with a tolerable APR.
  • Use around 15%-20% to manage and maintain your credit score.
  • Always pay on time or pay off balances monthly.
  • Pay more than the minimum.

6. Car Loans

  • Study the best and worst times when to buy a car:
  • Research the car in question – especially the safety ratings and consumer reviews. Lifesaving decision here people.
  • Utilize a car pricing report to see what the average price is so you don’t get ripped off.
  • Read reviews on multiple car dealers to find the most reputable company to do business with. Some dealers are shady AS FUCK!
  • Locate car loan companies/banks that will provide the best APR. Why overpay? DERP!

Listen up superintendents of education in all the land of the U.S. of A. – add these important life lessons to the high-school curriculum so that future generations don’t fail!

Some of us weren’t privileged enough to have been handed down this information due to varying circumstances. Having your shit together is everything. Because who wants to pay for mistakes you made as a young adult, well into your 30’s? FML. #lessonslearned


Urban Dictionary. Retrieved from


Hello Frands!

It’s been awhile and since I can’t come up with any new topics – I figured I would share this article! I found it to be EVERYTHING!

Also, this piece was written from a woman’s perspective but it is most certainly applicable to both sexes!!

DISCLAIMER: It’s censored by the author. Obviously IDGAF!

13 F*cks You Stop Giving When You’re A Grown Woman

 By TheBolde

At some point, you reach an age where you can’t possibly, even if you tried, give any less of a f*ck. You’re done with worrying about what others think, adhering to stupid-ass rules prescribed by stupid ass-people, and you realize who you want in your inner circle and who you want banished forever and ever. It’s not that you’ve become a cantankerous b*tch in your older years, but just that you’ve lived long enough to be f*cking over pretty much everything. In other words, you simply have no more f*cks to give.

Are you to that point in your life? Have you been fortunate enough to have reached the ultimate status of having no more f*cks to give? If so, then you’ll know these 13 f*cks you stop giving to be true.

Gah! Other people’s opinions, especially when they’re about you, should be moot once you’ve become a grown woman. It’s when you let the opinions of others dictate your life that your life becomes a cesspool of negativity and a total waste.

No white after Labor Day? F*ck it. No horizontal stripes unless you’re a size 0? F*ck that f*cking sh*t. No bikini or mini-skirt after 30? In the immortal words of Bikini Kill, suck my left one. Seriously.

You broke up for a reason and that reason is probably somewhere between him being awful and him being the worst, so it’s your job not to give any f*cks about him or what he might think of you.

As a grown ass woman, you’re not just a walk-on in your bedroom, but the f*cking star. If you don’t get what you want and how you want it, you throw being polite out the window and woman-the-f*ck-up about it.

While in your earlier years some situations may have called for biting one’s tongue, it’s time to f*ck that. If someone says or does something that pisses you off or disrespects you in any way, then speak up. Even if that person is your boss.

Some people are bad for us! Some people, even if they’re not cognizant of it, are horrific, toxic influences in our lives. You have no more f*cks to give them or what your life will be like without them – it won’t be a loss, that’s for sure.

Your mistakes do not define you; they’re merely pieces in your life that have made you who you are. That is all. Mistakes do not hold you back, do not open doors to judgment, or ruin your life. They’re necessary obstacles and not only do you not give a f*ck about them, but you’re practically grateful for them.
Some people spend their whole lives trying to fit in only to realize that those who want to belong are just f*cking boring! Why would anyone want to be another sheep among millions of sheep? No thanks. Fly your freak flag and roll solo.

In some not so breaking new, social media is not real life. People “liking” your tweet or “unfriending” you on Facebook is not something to get your panties in a twist over. In other words? You have no f*cks to give on this front.

You have the perfect body for YOU and that’s all that matters. Now reach for those Doritos and order another pizza, for f*ck’s sake woman!

Owning a Louis Vuitton bag or only wearing Chanel makeup is not going to make you a better person. Also, who even knows if that mascara is Dior or f*cking Maybelline?

There will always be things that are out of your control, and when you quit giving a f*ck about them you’ll finally feel free.

In life, you need to choose your battles. You need to decide what deserves your f*cks and what doesn’t. When you give a f*ck, give it 150 percent, when you don’t also give it 150 percent. You should never half-ass anything, especially your f*cks.

Source: TheBolde



Mooooooove, Bitch! Get Out The Way!

For the record, I don’t mind sharing the road with pedestrians, bicycles, cars, pedal pubs, buses, motorcycles, Vespas, Segways, tripod roadsters, skaters, trolleys, strollers, wagons, wheelbarrows, hot wheels, hover boards,  animals, metro transits – basically anything moving that is street or sidewalk legal. I only have issues with those that are assholes and disobey the traffic rules and laws without any regards to consequences or repercussions. When on the street, the traffic laws DO apply to you. For fuck’s sake, look up the laws!

One particular group that gives me insane, white-hot road rage is the dicks on bicycles. Let me repeat, “DICKS ON BICYCLES”, meaning – those that fuck up your safety, others’ safety and their safety while on the road. To be EXTRA clear, if you ride a bike and you aren’t a dick, this doesn’t apply to you.

I’ve had several close encounters with the avid cyclist, cycling clubs, or just plain fucking idiots that appear to be drunk ninjas who come out of nowhere! GO HOME, YOU’RE DRUNK!

There are also times when I am positive that some cyclists are seeking a death wish, set on the side of the road! Not sure if it’s their entitlement (king of the castle) attitude, their mistaken ability of being invincible, or perhaps their arrogant thoughts of “no laws apply to me”.

DISCLAIMER: Of course I wouldn’t want/wish for any deaths or accidents to occur…I WOULD want  for us to all get along, on the road…sharing the road. Sharing is caring.

Tips for the Avid Dick Cyclist:

  • The stop sign/light DOES apply to you
  • If I reach a stop sign, or stoplight, corner before you –> Car > Cyclist
    • I TURN FIRST, Mother Fucker! – Before you proceed with any movement
  • Wear reflective gear at night! Shit, I can’t see in the damn dark – no night vision here!
  • Use your hand signals. If you don’t know them, then you shouldn’t be biking. GTFO!

Tips for the Cycling Club of Dicks:

  • The stop sign/light DOES apply to you
  • Your mass doesn’t grant you immunity from traffic laws
  • Unless the streets are closed for your event, the entire group is required to stop at stop signs/stop lights unless you want to be flattened like “Flat Tyler” or “Flat Pat” (Garbage Pail Kid reference for those born after me)
    • It’s called Law of Motion (Law of Inertia) – Car beats cyclist. Every. Time.

Tips for the Drunk Dick Cyclist:

  • Just one – GO HOME!
    • Take an Uber/Taxi

I understand that I may have offended some people…if so, then you must have been one of those assholes that I passed, while flicking the bird, as you were biking 2 miles per hour on a busy street, in the middle of rush hour, and on a Friday. Moooooooooove, BITCH! I have a GD happy hour to get to!

Share the roads! Obey the traffic laws! Be safe!