Mooooooove, Bitch! Get Out The Way!

For the record, I don’t mind sharing the road with pedestrians, bicycles, cars, pedal pubs, buses, motorcycles, Vespas, Segways, tripod roadsters, skaters, trolleys, strollers, wagons, wheelbarrows, hot wheels, hover boards,  animals, metro transits – basically anything moving that is street or sidewalk legal. I only have issues with those that are assholes and disobey the traffic rules and laws without any regards to consequences or repercussions. When on the street, the traffic laws DO apply to you. For fuck’s sake, look up the laws!

One particular group that gives me insane, white-hot road rage is the dicks on bicycles. Let me repeat, “DICKS ON BICYCLES”, meaning – those that fuck up your safety, others’ safety and their safety while on the road. To be EXTRA clear, if you ride a bike and you aren’t a dick, this doesn’t apply to you.

I’ve had several close encounters with the avid cyclist, cycling clubs, or just plain fucking idiots that appear to be drunk ninjas who come out of nowhere! GO HOME, YOU’RE DRUNK!

There are also times when I am positive that some cyclists are seeking a death wish, set on the side of the road! Not sure if it’s their entitlement (king of the castle) attitude, their mistaken ability of being invincible, or perhaps their arrogant thoughts of “no laws apply to me”.

DISCLAIMER: Of course I wouldn’t want/wish for any deaths or accidents to occur…I WOULD want  for us to all get along, on the road…sharing the road. Sharing is caring.

Tips for the Avid Dick Cyclist:

  • The stop sign/light DOES apply to you
  • If I reach a stop sign, or stoplight, corner before you –> Car > Cyclist
    • I TURN FIRST, Mother Fucker! – Before you proceed with any movement
  • Wear reflective gear at night! Shit, I can’t see in the damn dark – no night vision here!
  • Use your hand signals. If you don’t know them, then you shouldn’t be biking. GTFO!

Tips for the Cycling Club of Dicks:

  • The stop sign/light DOES apply to you
  • Your mass doesn’t grant you immunity from traffic laws
  • Unless the streets are closed for your event, the entire group is required to stop at stop signs/stop lights unless you want to be flattened like “Flat Tyler” or “Flat Pat” (Garbage Pail Kid reference for those born after me)
    • It’s called Law of Motion (Law of Inertia) – Car beats cyclist. Every. Time.

Tips for the Drunk Dick Cyclist:

  • Just one – GO HOME!
    • Take an Uber/Taxi

I understand that I may have offended some people…if so, then you must have been one of those assholes that I passed, while flicking the bird, as you were biking 2 miles per hour on a busy street, in the middle of rush hour, and on a Friday. Moooooooooove, BITCH! I have a GD happy hour to get to!

Share the roads! Obey the traffic laws! Be safe!