You’re Dead to Me.

Wow, it sure has been awhile! I had to take some time off to plan my wedding! Hopefully I can get my shit together and blog more consistently to share my random, personal, ridiculous, vulnerable, comical, shocking, crazy stories with all of you! HA! Believe me; shit STILL happens to me ALL THE TIME! I constantly shake my head and say, “Are you fucking kidding me?!” or “What the fuck?!” which seems to be my daily chant.

As long as I can remember, I’ve always had a very cutthroat attitude when it comes to trust and relationships – the kind where once you do me wrong, my forgiveness is out the window. This applies to many types of relationships across the board: friends, family, romantic, coworkers, etc. Once that sacred trust is broken, my kindness taken for granted, or my love manipulated and discarded… you can never get it back, ever.

You’re dead to me.

I suppose this hardened approach stems from my fucked up childhood where love (psychological) and basic needs were split between two homes. In my main home, all of my basic needs were met (food/shelter), but this came with a heavy price – the many, MANY years of almost daily mental and physical abuse. While in my weekend home, was the love and care that I was missing 5 out of the 7 days of the week. As you just read, “was” is italicized as that too eventually became broken. This quick excerpt into my past is a preface to my current state and serves as an explanation as to how I operate.

I may sound cynical here, but this cliché is true; during the worst times of your life (or when monumental events occur) is when the true colors of people will be exposed. Unfortunately, these painful lessons learned contribute to my logic of – the older I get, the less peopley I am. My trust (or friend) circle becomes smaller and I choose quality over quantity. I don’t have time for the bullshit, the drama and for those that don’t show the same decency, loyalty and kindness I have showed them. In my world it’s a two-way street with me and if you aren’t operating on my level (friend or family), you can get the fuck out.

Obviously, the “wrong” would have had to be severe enough for me to get to this point, which brings me to some very unsettling and damaging examples that have occurred over the past years. This year in particular, which through very cruel life lessons, I learned that those that were close to me showed their true colors served with a knife in my back. This past year should have been filled with friends and family supporting me with all of the positive things happening, but unfortunately it was filled with betrayal, anguish, turmoil and self-doubt.

Below are a few ghosting lessons worth mentioning…more for my healing process than writing an entertaining story. So if this sounds like complaining, I’m not. It’s therapeutic for me to write…and so I am. #CrabbyAF

Lesson #1 – Ghosting during a crisis (the act of disappearing during extremely tough or worst times of your life).

  • After my breakup of a long term relationship. This felt like more of a divorce based on the length of the relationship, selling our home, and losing friends who chose sides.
  • After leaving companies or jobs.
    • I saw these people every day, day in and day out and once my time ended at that job, many promised to “stay in touch”. HA. #go.step.on.legos
  • My sister’s horrific motorcycle accident
    • My most trying time to date. Just when you need people the most, they drop the ball and kick you while you are down. Still no words exchanged to this day. #ihopeyoudiealone

Lesson #2 – Ghosting upon hearing big, exciting news! (The art of faking your happiness towards someone else and then disappearing altogether.)

  • Engagement
    • After hearing about my engagement, your fake happiness for me was repulsive. Just stop. I misjudged your lack of enthusiasm and interest for your own hardships at the time. Your true colors left me with a knife in my back that I hope to someday repay the favor. #snakeinthegrass #vindictive
  • Wedding
    • My wedding party had included you. All of you. The permanent words said and the lack of words said (ghosting) cut very deep. You were supposed to be a part of my special day and to share in my happiness of one of the best days of my life. The anxiety and hurt from this was a hard lesson to swallow. #stillrecovering
    • Attending my wedding. As immediate family members, you’d think that acknowledging, much less attending, my wedding would be of the utmost importance to you, as it was and would be for me to show the same respect during your time. However, the concept of “family” is hard for you to comprehend and your inability to show decency for your own blood relative is beyond me. You can all suffer in each other’s company. I’m out. #zerofucksleft

Lesson #3 – Ghosting from my life (the classic dick move of casting aside your bond, friendship and family loyalty.)

  • Before moving to MN.
    • Particularly family in this case. When you live in the same city, but you were too caught up in your own life to be a present family member. Your selfish acts rooted a deep wedge between us that has not budged over the years. These same acts have caused an adverse impact on our family and your family. For this I say, “You made your bed, now lie in it”.
  • After moving to MN.
    • Many friends and family swore to keep in touch, visit, and call. Few did. I guess this was a good way to rid myself of selfish assholes that only need you when they need something. #outofsightoutofmind
  • After they start dating someone.
    • Now that they have someone in their life, they have zero time for you – even though you were present during their singledom over the years. Convenient friendship isn’t my jam. When you are single again and you reach out to your old friends, I hope you are shunned and left feeling alone in the world. #eyeforaneye
  • After choosing both sides.
    • When you are caught in the middle of someone else’s conflict and you choose both sides and do your best to comfort all. Then both parties end up turning on you and therefore are left without an entire side of your family. <hands clapping> You deserve each other. I dodged a bullet. #companylovesmisery

 

If you are feeling guilty of any of these – fuck you, I’ve moved on. You’re dead to me.

 

2 thoughts to “You’re Dead to Me.”

  1. ❤️ love this and you! Glad to see you back and blogging! Miss you! We need to make plans for this spring/summer trip to MN! I’ve always loved that you tellit like it is and aren’t ashamed to do you! You’ve taught me so much and I will continue to tell the story of our friendship til I die 😘

    1. Thanks, love! Trying to get back into the swing of things now that my life isn’t occupied with wedding planning! Yes please! Would love for you to come to MN to visit when the weather is awesome! You are the bestest and <3 you to pieces!

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